Category Archives: douche

Don’t Push Me Cause I’m Close to a Well.

Today might be national douchebag day.  Everyone I’ve come into contact with has been rude to me.  It’s a great way to start the day.  All of these wonderful interactions have sparked a dream in my heart.  What’s the dream you ask?  It’s that I get to push these wonderful humans down a well.  

You might say that is cold blooded, but it gets better.  After I push them down said well, I will tell them I’m going to get help/supplies/a news crew and will just leave, never to return.  These desires would be easily quelled if people would just be nice to me.  So hey, people, stop taking out your problems on me because I will push you down a fucking well.

OMFG: The Fashion Police Gave Her a Medal

Like, OMG, I totes can’t believe how hot this new trend for summer is!?!  If I could choose one piece of clothing to wear for the rest of my life, and never change it, or never even wash it once, this would be it BY FAR! 

OMG Someone Call House of Style ASAP!

OMG Someone Call House of Style ASAP!

I know what you’re thinking, “Pshhh what is this total poser talking ’bout…like who wears jackets in the summer PSHHH?!?”  Well guess what bitch, everyone except you, starting immediately after this post gets published…so BOOYAH!  Who is stupid now?  The answer is you. 

Anyway as if being totally warm and sweaty in the summer months doesn’t totally float your boat, wearing 15 patterns at a time TOTES will!  I mean has matching ever been easier?  If you’re wearing every color, you can’t not match.  AM I RIGHT???  And if you’re anti-matching, then this new fashion trend has another fabulous attribute for you to fall in love with everyday: a portrait of a grey-haired GWEN STEFANI!  You can totes be like ‘OMG Brandon, I’m going to Harijuku all over your ass’.  Brandon won’t know what you’re talking about because he’s clearly not down with the most diggity slang like me, and also he’s imaginary.

i’m watching you.

I’m a total stalker. No I don’t litterally follow people around with binoculars and make hair dolls, but I do utilize Facebook, as well as Google (when Facebook just isn’t enough). I mainly stalk the same kinds of people over and over and over again.   

 

 

I stalk the following:

 

people under 25 that have babies

 

  • Babies in general, yea they’re cute, but I won’t purposely set aside time in my day to look at pictures of them, especially not pictures I’ve already seen (many, many times). But there’s just something about the girl who was on your pee-wee softball team in 2nd greade and her child. I’m not even sure why I feel this way. I just have a strong compulsion to check her (even though there are multiple hers in this case…) Facebook account almost daily to see if Little Suzy learned to walk yet, ate an apple, got a new dress, pooped her pants, etc. So if you’re ready this, went to high school with me, and have a baby that you post pictures of on Facebook…I hope you’re comfortable with this and please don’t be freaked out because I promise I’ll never be outside your window like a major creeper. I’ll just be several hundred miles away looking at your baby like a total creeper.

girls I believe want to fuck my boyfriend

 

  • This one is just obvious. All girls do this. However, in my stalker world, I probably stalk these whores the least. But if you must know why its because you have to know that they’ve moved onto someone else and also that they’re uglyier, fatter, smellier, sluttier, bitchier,and more of a loser than me. Also, in a lot of cases the girls don’t really even want your boyfriend, which makes you more stalker-ish. This category of stalking doesn’t really do anything besides make me feel dumb, so I’m done talking about it.

 

interesting people (who usually end up being very uninteresting hipsters)

 

  • Let me clarify. You can be really interesting, but if you aren’t a hipster, I prob won’t stalk you. There’s just something about them that is so interesting to me. I think mostly it’s wondering how the kid that grew up next door to me ended up living in Williamsburg, drinking PBR, wearing glasses way too big for their face and lots of flannel. It makes me wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” and also makes me curious. I get curious about what kind of stuff they know that I just have never even heard of. Like I know a lot of pointless shit, and even some stuff that might have a point if you really search for it. But I just wonder how they think compared to how I think…so I stalk them to try and figure it out. Usually though, I find out that they don’t really know/watch/see anything differently than I do and that’s usually when the stalking ends.

 

and

 

people that are so ridiculously douchey you can’t look away

 

  • self-explanitory.
     

i’m watching you.

I’m a total stalker. No I don’t literally follow people around with binoculars and make hair dolls, but I do utilize Facebook, as well as Google (when Facebook just isn’t enough) I tend to mainly stalk the same kinds of people over and over again.
I stalk the following:

people under 25 that have babies

  • Babies in general, yea they’re cute, but I won’t purposely set aside time in my day to look at pictures of them, especially not pictures I’ve already seen (many, many times). But there’s just something about the girl who was on your pee-wee softball team in 2nd greade and her child. I’m not even sure why I feel this way. I just have a strong compulsion to check her (even though there are multiple hers in this case…) Facebook account almost daily to see if Little Suzy learned to walk yet, ate an apple, got a new dress, pooped her pants, etc. So if you’re ready this, went to high school with me, and have a baby that you post pictures of on Facebook…I hope you’re comfortable with this and please don’t be freaked out because I promise I’ll never be outside your window like a major creeper. I’ll just be several hundred miles away looking at your baby like a total creeper.

girls I believe want to fuck my boyfriend

  • This one is just obvious. All girls do this. However, in my stalker world, I probably stalk these whores the least. But if you must know why its because you have to know that they’ve moved onto someone else and also that they’re uglyier, fatter, smellier, sluttier, bitchier,and more of a loser than me. Also, in a lot of cases the girls don’t really even want your boyfriend, which makes you more stalker-ish. This category of stalking doesn’t really do anything besides make me feel dumb, so I’m done talking about it.

interesting people (who usually end up being very uninteresting hipsters)

  • Let me clarify. You can be really interesting, but if you aren’t a hipster, I prob won’t stalk you. There’s just something about them that is so interesting to me. I think mostly it’s wondering how the kid that grew up next door to me ended up living in Williamsburg, drinking PBR, wearing glasses way too big for their face and lots of flannel. It makes me wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” and also makes me curious. I get curious about what kind of stuff they know that I just have never even heard of. Like I know a lot of pointless shit, and even some stuff that might have a point if you really search for it. But I just wonder how they think compared to how I think…so I stalk them to try and figure it out. Usually though, I find out that they don’t really know/watch/see anything differently than I do and that’s usually when the stalking ends.

and

people that are so ridiculously douchey you can’t look away

  • self-explanitory.
This video is about stalking and being funny.

(fyi:i am not affiliated with this video at all, just like it)

Thanksgiving Tragedies

Besides the inevitable tragedies of hundreds of people who blew up because they  didn’t listen to that Cingular commercial and defrost their turkey before trying to deep fry them, there were a couple out of the ordinary things that happened this Thanksgiving that we would all, as a planet, be better off had they never occurred.    




The first Thanksgiving tragedy is New York Giant’s star and winner of the Your Beard Looks Like Pubes award (see photo), Plaxico Burress.  Normally when you hear that a sports star has been shot you can assume that it has something to do with some kind of gangster ass business, but this time around that was not the case.  Plaxico was carrying an un-registered gun, you know for protection, at a New York area night club.  The gun was holstered into the waist of his jeans and after some serious getting jiggy with it, the gun slipped and fell down his pants.  When he tried to re-attach his ‘piece’ to his pants, the gun discharged and busted a cap up in his ass…  OK well his thigh, but it sounded cooler.

Apparently pop-princesses are heiresses aren’t the only celebrities that make bad choices 

when they’re drunk, but at least their bad choices usually increase their fame and
 pump life into their drowning career.  His bad decision will probably ruin his career and crush the Giant’s unbelievable winning streak.  It’s unfortunate because while I don’t really care about football, I do really enjoy saying the word Plaxico.




Your next tragedy, to me at least, is much worse, but also almost seems like it would happen.  This tragedy also took place in New York, which strikes me as odd because I feel like it would be more likely to happen in Kentucky or some other state that is so obscure it only exists for the purpose of joke making.  On Black Friday, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a mob of mothers trying to make the most of all the holiday deals right at their fingertips.  When asked to evacuate the store so they could clean the murder from the linoleum floors, women allegedly yelled that they had been waiting since the night before to shop and continued their shopping.  Is that tickle-me-elmo/furby/whatever the fuck every 5 year old asshole has to have this holiday season really worth killing a man over?  This question is not rhetorical and the answer is: yes, duh.