Kittens, Inspired by Kittens

This is kind of old, but also hilarious.  My new obsession.

 

Watch it, for your own good.

Smoke Inhalation At It’s Best

 

I still can’t tell if this is real or a joke.

the real story of easter eggs

 The once was a time-traveler from the future.  His name was Jesus.  His favorite thing to do was to go back to ancient times and fuck with all the more simpleminded people that inhabited that time.  He especially liked, the now commonplace, turning water into wine trick.  The people ate that shit up and Jesus hated to disappoint a crowd.  

After-all in the future, little Jesus was just a regular ass dude, but he could convince these people he was the sun of god.  And he liked that.  So our good friend Jesus decided that he wasn’t such a big fan of how the future turned out for him so he began to preach about loving everyone and all that jazz.  And before he knew it, his name started popping up everywhere in the future.  He was confused, however, by the necklaces people wore that looked like him dead on a cross, but he chalked that up to a creative, albeit morbid, designer.  Anyway back to the story.   

Our good friend Jesus was just minding his business and preaching all sorts of jibber-jabber around town and it seemed that everything was going great.  Unfortunately when you’re on top there will always be haters.  And as we all know, those creative and morbid necklaces were actually more prophetic than Jesus could have known.  Jesus was brutally killed, tortured and eventually crucified.  

But the believers kept believing in their savior Jesus.  They believed so hard it made them constipated, but they didn’t even care.  They were willing to never poop again if Jesus would just return to them.  So they prayed and they didn’t poop for days and days and days.  Until one day, the town crazy (this was before the era of crack, but picture a crackhead…also we’ll call him Scrappy) pooped his pants, and as he looked up to see if anyone noticed he saw what looked like Jesus, but not as bloody as the last time he saw him and also, more see through.  Scrappy leaped up and hugged Jesus.  Jesus slowly backed out of the embrace because afterall Scrappy had just crapped his pants.  

“I’m a ghost, but don’t worry I’m not a scary ghost!”, Jesus exclaimed!  And as he looked at ol’ Scrappy he realized that everyone needed love.  Even a bum like Scrappy.  And in Scrappy’s eyes, he saw himself, before he had ever traveled to the past to make people like him.  So he held out his arms to Scrappy and embraced him.  Jesus shook him so hard that the turds in Scrappy’s pants all fell to the ground.  Scrappy looked up apologetically at Jesus, but Jesus said “Don’t worry Scrappy, you just laid some eggs, that’s all”.  Scrappy smiled because in all his years of pooping his pants, no one ever had understood like Jesus did.  As Jesus started to walk away, Scrappy begged,  ”Please come back for me Jesus!” And Jesus promised he would return to him on this very day next year.

Three-hundred sixty-four days passed by and Scrappy was so excited.  In the past year he had cleaned up his act a little bit and was no longer the town loony.  He wanted to show Jesus all the progress he had made, so this year instead of pooping his pants for Jesus, he decided he would take Jesus’ words to heart and this year upon Jesus’ return he would present him with a basket of eggs.  Scrappy had saved all his earnings to afford these eggs and wanted to make sure everyone knew they were for Jesus, so he painted Jesus’ name on the eggs.  And when he was done he decided they looked a little drab, so he kept painting until all the eggs were beautiful.  

Jesus kept his promise and did return  to Scrappy on the three-hundred and sixty-fifth day. When Jesus saw the progress Scrappy had made in just one short year he felt tingly all over.  Scrappy told Jesus he wanted to continue the tradition they had shared the previous year.  As Scrappy reached for a basket, Jesus was afraid it would be a basket of poop, but when he looked inside he saw the painted eggs.  Jesus had never been so touched by any gesture in his life (or death for that matter) and quickly embraced Scrappy.  

Years later, the trend still continued.  Children the world over painted eggs on the day of Jesus’ return from the grave.  And the tradition is still active today.  So this year when you’re painting your eggs, thank Scrappy for not giving Jesus a basket of carrots or something less fun to paint.  Happy Easter folks!  

Don’t Call This Kid a Homo

Seriously, don’t.

Two Products That Will Revolutionize the Way We Drive FOREVER

Sometimes I suck at driving, or am lost, or I’m on my phone, or eating something…well there are many instances when I’m not up to par with some of the really cool assholes who like to drive 1 1/2 inches behind my car in the hopes that I will stop short and we can have a screaming match about whose fault it is (theirs), and eventually one of us will be shot with a cross bow.  But now there are two new products that will bring the number or road rage related crossbow murders down to a record low!

The first product is called ‘Hitch Hands’.  This product allows you to use sign language to get your point across without turning around and crashing your car in the process.  Some great examples are the ever-popular middle finger, and probably the least likely to be used: the ’I Love You’ in sign language.  You simply put these little hands over top of your trailer hitch (Note to self: get trailer hitch) and viola!  Just wait for the magic to happen!

 

The second amazing and revolutionary product serves almost the same purpose, but is for those of us who can read, but can’t understand sign language.  This product is called the ‘Plate Flipper’.  This ingenius invention allows your liscense plate to move electronically (ooh it’s the future) to reveal a hidden message.  The message can be anything from your phone number, something dirty, something about driving, maybe your ex’s phone number, really the possibilities are endless, as long as you can read.  Although I guess if you can’t read, someone could just help you, but anyway.  This magical device can really get your point across, again without causing an accident.  But you should be careful what you write because some people are crazy and might follow you to a rest stop and shoot you with a cross bow anyway.  Oh also this invention can be used to avoid paying tolls because the cameras won’t be able to take a picture of your plates.  So versitile!

Please Invent This: The Poo-tress

 

step 1: toilet

So…today I am hungover.  My brain feels like it is too large for my skull and it’s not cool.  I’m laying in bed and also have to pee.  This is causing a big debate in my head.  Is it better to pee my pants (and my bed) or to get out of my bed?  Generations of great thinkers have struggled with this question.  My idea is for someone to invent a matress that doubles as a toilet.  Basically there would be some kind of hole that you can just slide your ass over and pee without even sitting up (for men I suppose they would have to flip over).  It sounds gross because how would you wipe?  Duh it’s ALSO a baday.  Also it would be soft like a mattress.

step 2: mattress

So if you are an inventor, or really if you are just less lazy than I am, please help me make my vision a reality, also we have a very small time frame before I actually pee the bed, so can you invent it within the next 10 minutes?  K thanks bye.

Plants Do People Things Too!

 

 

ouch a splinter!

Especially doggy style sex sometimes!

‘Rescue Me Comedy Tour featuring Denis Leary’ 4.2.09

c'mon baby light my fire

Last night I the ‘Rescue Me Comedy Tour featuring Denis Leary’ at Radio City Music Hall.  While I am aware of Denis Leary, I really didn’t know much about him, so I was not sure what exactly to expect.  The show started by the president of FX giving a little background about the show ‘Rescue Me’, which I had never seen before.  What happened next was totally unexpected by me.  They played the season premiere (appearing on April 7th on FX) of ‘Rescue Me’.  At first I was really confused as to why we paid $75 a ticket to watch TV, and to be honest kind of pissed.  But then I gave in and started to watch the show and actually really enjoyed it, almost forgetting I had intended to see some stand-up comedy.

But after ‘Rescue Me’ ended, that’s when the real show began (in my opinion).  The curtains opened, showing a full band, complete with back up singers.  Denis Leary rose up from a secret compartment below the stage and began singing a song about celebrities and rehab in a calypso style.  The song was complimented by large video screens featuring, in a karaoke style, the lyrics, as well as photographs of celebrities at their lowest moments.  After that, Leary spoke of critics who felt the ‘Rehab’ song was mean-spirited and mentioned he decided to write a nice song for those critics.  The song made me feel like I was in a lounge in the 1950s and the song was nicely titled “Fuck You” and was great.  He did his set, which was hilarious–mentioning everything from hormones in Hollywood to being caught by two old ladies while jerking off in a jacuzzi at a health spa.

Three other comedians joined Leary for the ‘Rescue Me Comedy Tour’: Nick DiPaolo, Lenny Clarke and Adam Ferrara.  All of which, were absolutely amazing.  It’s hard for me to think of my favorite moments for each of these guys because literally everything each of them said was laugh out loud funny.  The ‘Rescue Me Comedy Tour’ will be going around the country so I really suggest that you reserve your tickets today because the show was just fantastic.  Check out upcoming tour dates here. 

In addition to being a fantastic show, all the proceeds went to The Leary Fire Fighters Foundation, which has donated over $10 million toward equipment that firefighters across the United States desperately need.  Toward the end of the show some brave members of the FDNYjoined Leary on the stage to present him with an honorary fireman’s jacket to thank him for all he’s done to help firefighters.  Leary closed the show by singing his famous song ‘Asshole’, which was wonderful.  Thanks to the magic of the internet you can watch last night’s performance of asshole below!

The Wrong Hole?

I really hope that’s not her vagina.

Nice Choice of Words Banner Ad

There is a lot wrong with this ad.  There is no way Rihanna’s IQ is 117! 

[this is real and not an April Fool's joke--the only April Fool's jokes I play involve me telling my parents I'm pregnant every year since I was 15]