Blowjobs > Stress

One of my friends from the Improv 101 at UCB class I took, Ryan Kleier, is a part of a comedy group called Funkanomics.  They made a great video about blow jobs.  Check it out immediately.

Mexican Birth Control? Better Wear a Condom.

On Sunday I put my acting skillz to work in a music video for a very talented rock band called Midnight Spin.

The video was shot in a warehouse that housed all sorts of medical models and boxes full of god knows what (what I specifically saw were fake vaginas, spleens, a larger than life galbladder and boobs of all sizes).  One of the boxes particularly intrigued me.

How Many Passwords Can One Human Have?

It’s getting ridiculous how many passwords I am expected to remember. 

Also, the restrictions put on how secure my password needs to be are out of control.  I’m all for not getting my identity stolen, but do I seriously need to include both an upper and lower case letter, a symbol that requires me to press shift, my unborn child’s maiden name and 15 numbers to access my e-mail? The only person who is being restricted from accessing my information is me, because I seriously cannot remember this many characters. 

Online banking? Yea, set that up about a year ago and have not been able to access it because not only is my password erased from my memory, but the security questions are also too hard for me to answer.  I know, I’m retarded, but even the challenged need to access their checking accounts from a computer from time to time.  It even took me three tries to get into this blog which I can’t imagine anyone would care to hack into ever.  

I want one password for everything.  When I was ten years old and had my first AOL account (Sweetie15 AKA calling all pedophiles, please go back in time and IM me…oh wait you already did) my password was ‘gymnast’.  One word, no numbers, no capitals, yet when my frenemies tried to go on my screen name to say embarrassing things to boys, they could never guess my password.  Those were the days.

i'm going to throw my computer on the floor

Things Not to Do on Top Chef

pack your knives and get the fuck out

After six seasons of ‘Top Chef‘, I wonder, why do people continue making the same mistakes over and over?  Here are some things that you should NOT do if you find yourself a contestant:

• Unless it’s an ice cream challenge, DO NOT MAKE ICE CREAM!  There is no doubt in my mind that the machine will give you a soupy mess instead of ice cream come game time.  Or for god’s sake, call it a cold desert soup.
• If you’ve cooked scallops twice already, the judges have probably already told you they don’t like your scallops twice.  Next time don’t use the same ingredient over and over again.  In the words of Fabio, “this is ‘Top Chef’, not Top Scallop!” (also according to him it is not “Top Pussy” either)
• Taking risks DOES NOT mean pull an idea that you’ve never had before out of your ass and try to execute it perfectly in several hours.  You come from a culinary background?  Well use some of that knowledge to create a winning dish.  Hell-o.
• STOP taking advice from your competition.  It’s better to do what you know than take advice from someone who gets at least $100,000 if you fail.   Even if it’s someone from another season, if they are working with you they did not win so why would you listen to them ever.  Seriously?  Have you watched any single reality show ever?  People do some crazy shit for their 15 minutes of fame, some money and maybe a hook-up.
• It’s better to agree with the judges when they say your dish is bad by explaining what you should have done than stand behind a bad dish.  STOP, seriously just stop saying that putting 5 habaneros in that taquito was what you intended to achieve.  It wasn’t.

I know there are more, but I’m done thinking for the night.  Leave any you can think of in the comments

Never Before Seen Kendra Wilkinson Body Painted!

Well everyone knows that Kendra Wilkinson,

of E! channel’s ‘Girls Next Door‘ and ‘Kendra‘,

met Hugh Hefner when she was

one of the naked girls running around

wearing only body paint at one of his crazay parties.

Duhhh…by why such an appeal?

He sees naked ladies all day errry-day?

Now I totally get it.

Vagina Car? Sign me up!

Just thought it was interesting

enough to share

that two people

got to this site today

by googling

“vagina car”

Jenny Slate on SNL!

It was announced today that my favorite comedienne and the main reason for my interest in stand-up comedy (and this blog’s creation) is going to be a new cast member on Saturday Night Live!  So now all of you who have read the multitudes of postings about her work and have not (stupidly) gone to see her for yourself, can check her out every week on the new season of SNL!  I haven’t really watched SNL in a few years, but I might have to get TiVo so I can hence forth.  Congratulations Jenny, you deserve it more than anyone!

Tattoos Are Forever.

THESE

ARE

ALL

JUST

TRENDS.

Why Would You Go on MTV’s ‘Next’?

I love the lazy afternoons that I spend hours watching repeats of the MTV show ‘Next‘.   I constantly find myself being fascinated by one of the most fake and worst shows on television.  While I’m in this state I always wonder why , out of all the different reality TV platforms, that one would find themselves on this show.  Here are some reasons why no one should want to be on ‘Next’ (Besides every single devastatingly embarrassing activities you will participate in and every line you are fed to say about yourself)

• First girl off the bus: You’re not going to be on your date for long, so that counts out love and money for you.  There are four more, possibly hotter candidates only one word away.  Oh yea also, you’re going to have to dress up in a ridiculous outfit that you will be sitting in for the remaining 11 minutes of this segment
• Second girl off the bus: Girl number three is going to talk shit about you as soon as you get off the bus.  She’ll probably ask the girls why they think you have such a fat ass.  And most likely you will have a fatter ass than the rest of the girls, so you know what that means, an immediate “NEXT”.  That’s right, you just went on TV to be told you’re too fugly to even exchange pleasantries with.
• Third girl off the bus: You will probably really connect with the guy because he doesn’t make you dress like an whore-y superhero, instead you get to have a chill dinner.  You’ll end up saying you like the Red Sox and he’ll next you after $46 worth of minutes.  You make a little cash, but not as nearly as much as you’d make from spending the same time at a real job.  Also by the time you get back girl #5 has done impressions of you, put bologna on her face and measured girl #2’s ear lobes.
• Forth Girl Off the Bus: By the time you get off the bus, the guy has undoubtedly gotten bored with talking to girls and wants to go home, not to mention that you still smell like bologna, so he asks you for the second date quickly so you don’t get the satisfaction of saying no when you accept $3 for it.
• Fifth Girl on the Bus: Enjoy your 3 hour bus ride.

I think I’d be less embarrassed

if I were in a Girls Gone Wild commercial

than I would be if I was on an episode of ‘NEXT’

this is amazing.

miley + boys knowing the words to miley =  glorious

Thinking About Getting a Tattoo?

I just searched the internet for “classy tattoos”, which is an oxymoron, either that or the definition of class has changed.  After looking at a bunch of people’s tribal arm bands, I came across the most beautiful tattoo I’ve ever seen.  I know it’s kind of unoriginal to flat out copy someone else’s tattoo, but this one is sooo me!  So next time you see me on the street check out my new tat, it will look identical to this one (except on a white background…too far?).

hey grandma! like my new tat??

Notice the beautiful detail on the ball hair!

Honest TV Guide Descriptions

My family owns a condo in Northern New Jersey.   One of my favorite things to do there is look at the show descriptions on the TV Guide channel.  That may sound strange, but actually it’s fantastic because they have the strangest/most literal/hilarious descriptions of shows I have ever seen.  Here is one, for Duece Bigalo: Male Gigolo that I could not let scroll past me:

This got me thinking.  What if all show/movie descriptions were as literal/glorious as the one above.  If this were the case I would apply for a job at TVGuide immediately and submit these mindqueefs: 

The Hills: Nothing happens ever.

MANSWERS: Stupid questions answered.

Jon & Kate plus 8: Penis shrinks inward.

Jerry Springer: Life could be worse.

Girls Next Door: Hot girls talk too much.

Seinfeld: About nothing, but more than The Hills.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Future strippers of America.

Rock of Love 3: Loser turns tricks.

Jenny Slate: DEAD MILLIONAIRE @ UCB 5.7.09

So due to the weather, but mostly laziness, I haven’t been writing about any of the shows I’ve been to lately.  But that changes right here, right now.  Last night I saw Jenny Slate’s one woman show: “Jenny Slate: DEAD MILLIONAIRE” and loved it!  Jenny is not only one of the host’s of one of my favorite stand up shows ever: Big Terrific (now at Cameo in Williamsburg), but she also appears on a lot of VH1 shows making fun of celebrities doing ridiculous stuff. 

The show was based on “eccentric millionaire Jenny Slate’s ‘I’m Dead Now Party’” AKA her funeral.  She has left 300 million dollars to her Bichon Frise and the whole world waits to hear who inherits the dog.  The show goes back in forth between friends/family/Gloria Estefan talking about what Jenny meant to them, and Jenny’s video will.  The characters in attendance range from her lawyer, Ruth Diamond Phillips, to her blind and stupid cousin Gina, to her nerdy niece Misty, and even Gloria Estefan makes an appearance.  All of the guests are completely different, interesting and hilarious in their own way and are all performed by Jenny Slate.  By the end of the show, we not only learn a lot about each of these characters and Jenny herself, but also we find out who the lucky new owner of the dog and the $300 million is!

The entire show made me feel like I was watching a really good episode of Saturday Night Live, but with just one sketch.  Her characters were all hilarious and unique.  I would recommend that everyone go to the next performance of “Jenny Slate: DEAD MILLIONAIRE” on May 21st, 2009 at 8 PM.  It only costs $5!  Also there is another show, BriTANick: The Infinity Prison, right after, which your admission also covers.

OMFG: The Fashion Police Gave Her a Medal

Like, OMG, I totes can’t believe how hot this new trend for summer is!?!  If I could choose one piece of clothing to wear for the rest of my life, and never change it, or never even wash it once, this would be it BY FAR! 

OMG Someone Call House of Style ASAP!

I know what you’re thinking, “Pshhh what is this total poser talking ’bout…like who wears jackets in the summer PSHHH?!?”  Well guess what bitch, everyone except you, starting immediately after this post gets published…so BOOYAH!  Who is stupid now?  The answer is you. 

Anyway as if being totally warm and sweaty in the summer months doesn’t totally float your boat, wearing 15 patterns at a time TOTES will!  I mean has matching ever been easier?  If you’re wearing every color, you can’t not match.  AM I RIGHT???  And if you’re anti-matching, then this new fashion trend has another fabulous attribute for you to fall in love with everyday: a portrait of a grey-haired GWEN STEFANI!  You can totes be like ‘OMG Brandon, I’m going to Harijuku all over your ass’.  Brandon won’t know what you’re talking about because he’s clearly not down with the most diggity slang like me, and also he’s imaginary.

Pick the Perp

Just found my new favorite website.  PickThePerp.com has provided me with at least an hour of entertainment in the past hour alone!  You are given 5 images (mugshots) and a question (as seen above).  You must use your powers of stereotyping decide who committed the crime.    

Do you think the girl was charged with prostitution…WRONG!  It was actually #2, the soccer dad!  The results will surprise and frighten you!  What more can you want, trust me just click it.

Kittens, Inspired by Kittens

This is kind of old, but also hilarious.  My new obsession.

 

Watch it, for your own good.

Smoke Inhalation At It’s Best

 

I still can’t tell if this is real or a joke.

the real story of easter eggs

 The once was a time-traveler from the future.  His name was Jesus.  His favorite thing to do was to go back to ancient times and fuck with all the more simpleminded people that inhabited that time.  He especially liked, the now commonplace, turning water into wine trick.  The people ate that shit up and Jesus hated to disappoint a crowd.  

After-all in the future, little Jesus was just a regular ass dude, but he could convince these people he was the sun of god.  And he liked that.  So our good friend Jesus decided that he wasn’t such a big fan of how the future turned out for him so he began to preach about loving everyone and all that jazz.  And before he knew it, his name started popping up everywhere in the future.  He was confused, however, by the necklaces people wore that looked like him dead on a cross, but he chalked that up to a creative, albeit morbid, designer.  Anyway back to the story.   

Our good friend Jesus was just minding his business and preaching all sorts of jibber-jabber around town and it seemed that everything was going great.  Unfortunately when you’re on top there will always be haters.  And as we all know, those creative and morbid necklaces were actually more prophetic than Jesus could have known.  Jesus was brutally killed, tortured and eventually crucified.  

But the believers kept believing in their savior Jesus.  They believed so hard it made them constipated, but they didn’t even care.  They were willing to never poop again if Jesus would just return to them.  So they prayed and they didn’t poop for days and days and days.  Until one day, the town crazy (this was before the era of crack, but picture a crackhead…also we’ll call him Scrappy) pooped his pants, and as he looked up to see if anyone noticed he saw what looked like Jesus, but not as bloody as the last time he saw him and also, more see through.  Scrappy leaped up and hugged Jesus.  Jesus slowly backed out of the embrace because afterall Scrappy had just crapped his pants.  

“I’m a ghost, but don’t worry I’m not a scary ghost!”, Jesus exclaimed!  And as he looked at ol’ Scrappy he realized that everyone needed love.  Even a bum like Scrappy.  And in Scrappy’s eyes, he saw himself, before he had ever traveled to the past to make people like him.  So he held out his arms to Scrappy and embraced him.  Jesus shook him so hard that the turds in Scrappy’s pants all fell to the ground.  Scrappy looked up apologetically at Jesus, but Jesus said “Don’t worry Scrappy, you just laid some eggs, that’s all”.  Scrappy smiled because in all his years of pooping his pants, no one ever had understood like Jesus did.  As Jesus started to walk away, Scrappy begged,  ”Please come back for me Jesus!” And Jesus promised he would return to him on this very day next year.

Three-hundred sixty-four days passed by and Scrappy was so excited.  In the past year he had cleaned up his act a little bit and was no longer the town loony.  He wanted to show Jesus all the progress he had made, so this year instead of pooping his pants for Jesus, he decided he would take Jesus’ words to heart and this year upon Jesus’ return he would present him with a basket of eggs.  Scrappy had saved all his earnings to afford these eggs and wanted to make sure everyone knew they were for Jesus, so he painted Jesus’ name on the eggs.  And when he was done he decided they looked a little drab, so he kept painting until all the eggs were beautiful.  

Jesus kept his promise and did return  to Scrappy on the three-hundred and sixty-fifth day. When Jesus saw the progress Scrappy had made in just one short year he felt tingly all over.  Scrappy told Jesus he wanted to continue the tradition they had shared the previous year.  As Scrappy reached for a basket, Jesus was afraid it would be a basket of poop, but when he looked inside he saw the painted eggs.  Jesus had never been so touched by any gesture in his life (or death for that matter) and quickly embraced Scrappy.  

Years later, the trend still continued.  Children the world over painted eggs on the day of Jesus’ return from the grave.  And the tradition is still active today.  So this year when you’re painting your eggs, thank Scrappy for not giving Jesus a basket of carrots or something less fun to paint.  Happy Easter folks!  

Don’t Call This Kid a Homo

Seriously, don’t.

Two Products That Will Revolutionize the Way We Drive FOREVER

Sometimes I suck at driving, or am lost, or I’m on my phone, or eating something…well there are many instances when I’m not up to par with some of the really cool assholes who like to drive 1 1/2 inches behind my car in the hopes that I will stop short and we can have a screaming match about whose fault it is (theirs), and eventually one of us will be shot with a cross bow.  But now there are two new products that will bring the number or road rage related crossbow murders down to a record low!

The first product is called ‘Hitch Hands’.  This product allows you to use sign language to get your point across without turning around and crashing your car in the process.  Some great examples are the ever-popular middle finger, and probably the least likely to be used: the ’I Love You’ in sign language.  You simply put these little hands over top of your trailer hitch (Note to self: get trailer hitch) and viola!  Just wait for the magic to happen!

 

The second amazing and revolutionary product serves almost the same purpose, but is for those of us who can read, but can’t understand sign language.  This product is called the ‘Plate Flipper’.  This ingenius invention allows your liscense plate to move electronically (ooh it’s the future) to reveal a hidden message.  The message can be anything from your phone number, something dirty, something about driving, maybe your ex’s phone number, really the possibilities are endless, as long as you can read.  Although I guess if you can’t read, someone could just help you, but anyway.  This magical device can really get your point across, again without causing an accident.  But you should be careful what you write because some people are crazy and might follow you to a rest stop and shoot you with a cross bow anyway.  Oh also this invention can be used to avoid paying tolls because the cameras won’t be able to take a picture of your plates.  So versitile!