Nicolas Cage is the Man.

A friend sent me this video a week ago and it made my day.  I never realized how great Nicolas Cage was until I watched this video.  Enjoy!




Introducing DagYo.com

My good friend, Will Kearney, just launched one of the best blog’s in the history of the blogesphere, dagyo.com.  Kearney describes “Dag, yo” as:

 ”all encompassing; the phrase captures everything from the regret you felt when you ordered regular fries at 5 Guys and then later realized that they had Cajun fries – to the surprise you felt when you found out WikiLeaks was not in fact a Will Smith/Sisqo follow up track to Wiki-Wiki-Wild-Wild-West. “    

While there have only been two posts thus far, both are intelligent, witty and poignant.  The first post takes on the ridiculousness of  the NJ Transit schedule/inevitable delays and even provides a great solution to the problem. While the second post exposes the Gillette’s non-existent pricing model.

This blog has unlimited potential to continue it’s greatness and I think everyone should do themselves a favor and check it out.  Dag, yo!

This is a Real Commercial.

I just saw this commercial on TV.

Rejected VH1 SMS Blast Copy

Each week (at work) we put out a weekly wrap-up of VH1′s hottest content and yours truly writes copy for the SMS blast message.  Here is some copy I wrote that got rejected almost immediately:

•   VH1: Boo!  Did we scare you? Oh, sorry.  No seriously, come back.  We have some spooky celebrity costumes & also a lot of side boob!

The Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Most people don’t know this about me, because I try to hide the crazy until it’s too late for a quick escape but, I have a tendency to create initialisms of virtually everything people say to me.  One phrase I hear all the time is ‘Just The Tip’.  For those of you who don’t know (which is probably no one who is reading this blog) ‘just the tip’ refers to placing the tip of a man’s penis into your vagina when you’re fooling around.  Typically this is not considered ‘sex’ (even though it 100% is sex by definition) and allows the girl to justify how much she is not a whore the next morning when she’s explaing to her friends why her sex number has not gone up even though a new man was inside of her. 

I digress…

The Many Languages of Dogs

Sometimes Often, I think about really pointless things.  One reoccurring question is: do animals that live in different countries speak different languages?  In other words, would a Chinese dog be able to understand an American dog’s bark?  My personal position on this topic has been: ‘No, they would not understand each other.’  Unfortunately I never had any empirical evidence to prove this point until now:

Maybe it’s racist to assume this is true of all Asian dogs from this one video, but c’mon this dog is super Asian.




Don’t Push Me Cause I’m Close to a Well.

Today might be national douchebag day.  Everyone I’ve come into contact with has been rude to me.  It’s a great way to start the day.  All of these wonderful interactions have sparked a dream in my heart.  What’s the dream you ask?  It’s that I get to push these wonderful humans down a well.  

You might say that is cold blooded, but it gets better.  After I push them down said well, I will tell them I’m going to get help/supplies/a news crew and will just leave, never to return.  These desires would be easily quelled if people would just be nice to me.  So hey, people, stop taking out your problems on me because I will push you down a fucking well.

Just When I Thought I Couldn’t Love Paul Rudd Any More

Anyone who knows me, knows I love Paul Rudd.  He is the only celebrity that I actually would care to say that I care about ever.  He’s a dream.  Anyway – I really thought I was at capacity for how much I could love/admire someone I hadn’t met without being psycho, but also I was shown this magnificent video yesterday and it’s as if I’m watching ‘Clueless’ for the first time all over again.

Do You Have 10″ Nipples? Then Where Do You Buy Your Bras?

 

I don’t normally frequent Home Depot, but I went last month and was pleasantly surprised to find that they could service all my nipple needs, no matter the size.

I Just Defriended 1000 People on Facebook

Facebook started my freshman year in college.  I reluctantly joined after a friend made me join so he could “have more friends.”  Immediately after signing up I realized that I looked pretty lame having only one friend and starting hounding my real life friends to join and be my digital friend.  And from there it violently spiraled out of control. I started feeling like one of the crazies on the show ‘Hoarders: Buried Alive’ except I’m being crushed by status updates, mobile uploads and engagement announcements instead of envelopes from 1984. 

Flash forward six years later.  I have 1783 friends.  I know.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  While I am a social butterfly, my facebook was out of control and it was only getting worse.  My friends ranged from people who I actually love and speak to regularly, to people that I drunkenly became best friends with (for one night) at a frat party.  Then of course, friends of friends who had visited for the weekend, classmates, sorority sisters, coworkers, family members, people who went to my high school that I didn’t remember but felt bad rejecting, etc. 

Things I Hate Vol. 3

FRISEE

It looks like a witch’s hair and it’s texture is vomitrotious.

There are hundreds of better varieties of lettuce out there so I really do not understand why chefs insist on throwing what looks like a bunch of Shrek’s discarded pubic hair onto every salad that I get.

The Day I Tried to Teach My Grandma About Computers

My friend’s Gradma just recently got an e-mail account, which reminded me of the time when I tried to explain how to use a computer to my Grandma.  I was 10 years old at the time and I think she was about a million, but I could be wrong about that.

Just to give you a better idea of who my grandma is – she has long red hair and, everyday, wears enough make-up to supply KISS for a year.  She never liked the idea of being called Grandma, but did embrace the idea of being ‘grand’.  We call her ‘Grandy’.  Also, she has a boyfriend who lives next door to her and she thinks any girl who wears a ’tankini’ is total whore (god forbid she see any current bathing suit styles).  She has an enormous porcelain doll collection that would scare even the creepiest serial killer straight to redemption.  Totally normal right? No, not at all.

He Likes the Ween

I know Ween is a band, but it still makes me happy to see this.

One point for Facebook.

Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Wife

You all probably saw the news clip about the woman whose would-be rapist was chased away by her ghetto-fabulous brother in the next room.  What you might not have see was the auto-tune remix of said video, which is amazing.  Actually, it’s more than amazing.  I want to download this song and play it on repeat ALL day and I’m not even exaggerating.  I have this caught in my head and I want to hear this next time I’m down the shore (make it happen DJ Paulie D).

This Made My Day

Apparently this video is semi-old, but it never made its way to my computer screen until today.  And I’m kind of glad because this more than makes up for the inexplicable amount of rudeness I’ve experienced today. 

 

 It’s a shame we’ll never know what happened in that Augusta  high school that led to Chris Woods’ death.

Things I Hate Vol. 2

PEOPLE WHO HOLD BAGS OF THEIR DOG’S SHIT

I really do appreciate that you are picking up after your dog, because stepping in dog shit is totally unacceptable (universally).  It’s not that I don’t appreciate that part of it at all, so please don’t get me wrong.

The thing that drives me out of my mind is that a lot of people, after picking up their dog’s hot, smelly, mound of shit, hold onto it as if they’re holding a newspaper…or let’s get real, anything that isn’t made of shit.  I’ve seen some women put the bag into the pockets of their track suit pants and continue jogging as if nothing is out of the ordinary.  Almost as if there isn’t a possibility that there could be shit dripping down her leg at any moment.

I may have a less than average tolerance for poop, vomit, snot and the like, but when you talk to me with a bag of dog shit in your hand, I am not listening at all.  Believe me, I’m trying to focus on anything, but the smell of shit emanating from the barely-opaque bag dangling between your fingers.  I would love to be hearing your story instead of imaging the horror of touching feces (you and I both know the bag really doesn’t protect you from the whole experience).  So please do us both a favor: after you pick up your dog’s business, throw it in the trash can before you converse with me.  Thank you.

I’m A Sucker For Puns

New Deli. New Dehli.

Love it.

Your Girl is On FUSE On Demand

I mentioned that I was in Midnight Spin’s music video back in March.  In the spirit of attention and self-promotion I’d like to declare that the video has been selected to appear on FUSE On Demand, hence propelling me closer and closer to

• a) finally fnishing my book about the life of a video ho
• b)starring on a hugely popular sitcom and several scary movies

and/or

• c) bringing back furry pens

If you don’t have time to watch the video (in which case, you obviously should stop kidding yourself and just watch it) at least enjoy a screen shot of yours truly below.

Also the thumbnail? Me?! I had no idea.

What Is Wrong With My Generation?

You would have to give me over 5 million dollars to get anywhere near Jon Gosselin’s dick, yet it seems that every 23-year-old girl in the nation is lining up to get penetrated by this fat, balding, father of 8.   I couldn’t think of anything worse than being associated with Gosselin, or his (allegedly baby-sized) penis.  But apparently I’m in a minority because  Jon is up to his 3rd or 4th (who can keep track) girlfriend under the age of 26, since his divorce from Kate. 

So what I want to know is, do the women of my generation (and probably high school graduating class) really want fame this badly?  If your singing/acting/dancing/whatever-ing career doesn’t work out, is the next logical career move to have sex with one of the most disgusting men on the planet?  It seems so, considering the amount of young girls Gosselin, as well as barf-bag Michael Lohan get each year.

Things I Hate Vol. 1

CILANTRO

It’s disgusting.