The once was a time-traveler from the future. His name was Jesus. His favorite thing to do was to go back to ancient times and fuck with all the more simpleminded people that inhabited that time. He especially liked, the now commonplace, turning water into wine trick. The people ate that shit up and Jesus hated to disappoint a crowd.
After-all in the future, little Jesus was just a regular ass dude, but he could convince these people he was the sun of god. And he liked that. So our good friend Jesus decided that he wasn’t such a big fan of how the future turned out for him so he began to preach about loving everyone and all that jazz. And before he knew it, his name started popping up everywhere in the future. He was confused, however, by the necklaces people wore that looked like him dead on a cross, but he chalked that up to a creative, albeit morbid, designer. Anyway back to the story.
Our good friend Jesus was just minding his business and preaching all sorts of jibber-jabber around town and it seemed that everything was going great. Unfortunately when you’re on top there will always be haters. And as we all know, those creative and morbid necklaces were actually more prophetic than Jesus could have known. Jesus was brutally killed, tortured and eventually crucified.
But the believers kept believing in their savior Jesus. They believed so hard it made them constipated, but they didn’t even care. They were willing to never poop again if Jesus would just return to them. So they prayed and they didn’t poop for days and days and days. Until one day, the town crazy (this was before the era of crack, but picture a crackhead…also we’ll call him Scrappy) pooped his pants, and as he looked up to see if anyone noticed he saw what looked like Jesus, but not as bloody as the last time he saw him and also, more see through. Scrappy leaped up and hugged Jesus. Jesus slowly backed out of the embrace because afterall Scrappy had just crapped his pants.
“I’m a ghost, but don’t worry I’m not a scary ghost!”, Jesus exclaimed! And as he looked at ol’ Scrappy he realized that everyone needed love. Even a bum like Scrappy. And in Scrappy’s eyes, he saw himself, before he had ever traveled to the past to make people like him. So he held out his arms to Scrappy and embraced him. Jesus shook him so hard that the turds in Scrappy’s pants all fell to the ground. Scrappy looked up apologetically at Jesus, but Jesus said “Don’t worry Scrappy, you just laid some eggs, that’s all”. Scrappy smiled because in all his years of pooping his pants, no one ever had understood like Jesus did. As Jesus started to walk away, Scrappy begged, ”Please come back for me Jesus!” And Jesus promised he would return to him on this very day next year.
Three-hundred sixty-four days passed by and Scrappy was so excited. In the past year he had cleaned up his act a little bit and was no longer the town loony. He wanted to show Jesus all the progress he had made, so this year instead of pooping his pants for Jesus, he decided he would take Jesus’ words to heart and this year upon Jesus’ return he would present him with a basket of eggs. Scrappy had saved all his earnings to afford these eggs and wanted to make sure everyone knew they were for Jesus, so he painted Jesus’ name on the eggs. And when he was done he decided they looked a little drab, so he kept painting until all the eggs were beautiful.
Jesus kept his promise and did return to Scrappy on the three-hundred and sixty-fifth day. When Jesus saw the progress Scrappy had made in just one short year he felt tingly all over. Scrappy told Jesus he wanted to continue the tradition they had shared the previous year. As Scrappy reached for a basket, Jesus was afraid it would be a basket of poop, but when he looked inside he saw the painted eggs. Jesus had never been so touched by any gesture in his life (or death for that matter) and quickly embraced Scrappy.
Years later, the trend still continued. Children the world over painted eggs on the day of Jesus’ return from the grave. And the tradition is still active today. So this year when you’re painting your eggs, thank Scrappy for not giving Jesus a basket of carrots or something less fun to paint. Happy Easter folks!
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